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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.